****Written on Mother's Day*****
Four years ago during Easter I learned that I would become a mommy. Little did I know then what that really meant. I don't think that no matter how much people try to inform you or prepare you about motherhood you never really "KNOW" what it is like to be a mother until you become one. You never understand the exhuastion you will go through or the joy you will receive from this precious baby. I don't think you ever fully appreciate your own mother until you become one! Carsyn can drive me absolutely crazy and in the next five minutes fill my heart with so much love and laughter. /
I did ALOT of complaining during my pregnancy and made ALOT of mistakes with my precious princess! Like a new year's resolution, there are LOTS and LOTS of things I vow to do differently the next time around. This may be selfish but one of the reasons (out of many) that I decided I wanted another child was a chance for a re-do! I want to get to experience it one more time and try to not complain as much during the pregnancy. I feel this will be more likely because I will actually know what the end result will entail which the first time around I had no idea the joy I would know. I also would like to see if I could correct some of the mistakes I made the first go around which I definitely think is possible! I also think you get to enjoy your second child as a newborn more because first off you actually have a clue what you are doing! Don't get me wrong 3 years ago has very much erased lots from my memory but Im pretty sure I won't panic over some of the first time parent issues I did before. Also I think with your first that you are so excited to watch them grow that you anticipate the next phase rather than living in the present and enjoying them as babies. As I have mentioned before Carsyn has been asking for a baby for a while now so I certainly want to provide that for her. Hopefully she and her sibling will be very close and be there for each other forever. I have LOTS of close friends and cousins I consider close as siblings but in the end I am by myself and as I have said before I will have to tend to my parents alone when they age. And finally I feel that a second child would complete our family. It will no longer be mom and Carsyn and daddy but a final member to make us a complete team.
And a little by surprise as I had not expected it to happen so quickly(not as quickly as the first time around but still pretty darn fast)....around Mother's Day I discovered that we were pregnant and hopefully all of these hopes would come to fruition. I don't know how I will keep Carsyn patient for 9 long months!! She wants it here NOW and she wants it to sleep in her bed NOW! When I told her that God has answered her prayer and he put a baby in my belly she squeeled and then she said without stopping for a breath "Do I get to feed it and changes its diapers and buckle it in its seat??! Will the doctor let me sit in your lap? Will they bring it in a wheelbarrow into the room?"
I have to say even though this may sound silly I instantly knew I was pregnant. I took a weekend trip to the coast last weekend with my momfriends and the entire time I had a feeling I was. Granted I had no physical symptoms (still don't) but I just felt like I was.
Now since my body is usually like clockwork and I had missed my period I definitely felt my intuition was right...so I took two pg tests the day after my period was to arrive and both came back negative. A few days later at Carsyn preschool end of the year program I tried and tried to hold back tears but I just couldn't stop(Im not a huge cryer so I thought okay emotional nelly you are definitely pg!) BUT two tests said NO so I didn't take anymore. I had a couple more crying spells over the weekend but still I ignored it. THEN on Tuesday I cried not ONCE but TWICE during Regis and Kelly and still had no period and I was like OKAY I have GOT to be pregnant! This is ridiculous! So off I went to the store to buy some more tests because now it had been over a week late....And...they BOTH were positve!
I didn't know whether to be excited or scared!?!?! Which I guess I am both! Unlike the first pregnancy where I was naive about lots of the bad that can happen I definitely am more aware of watching and hearing of friends and such who have had to experience such turmoil. Also now that I KNOW how difficult it is to take care of a baby even though I think I will be more prepared Im still nervous! My business is finally taking off and I hope to continue and adding to more responsibilites will definitely be a new challange!
BUT come the new year in 2012 a new baby Smith will "God -willing" enter our lives healthy and make us all very happy!