Nervous Breakdown #2 Learning to Roll with the Changes

So for any working mothers out there reading this your comments/advice would be greatly appreciated.

I knew this first week back to work would be a bitter-sweet transition. I had mentally prepared for it, or so I thought. I had planned how I would get dinner on the table, or so I thought. AND I had made the babysitting arrangements, or so I thought!

Monday I went off to work with no hitch- Danny got her to bed and got up with her for the 2AM feeding and I got up for the 4AM feeding and then she went back to sleep and I got ready for work at 6AM. I did feel slightly guilty for the sleep as this was the first 5-6 hrs of sleep I have had in two months! I got to give her a quick kiss goodbye as she was waking when I left. I was so proud of our teamwork and my husband's effort. It also was effort on my part for relinquishing control and allowing him to help me. I made it through the day and even didn't bother the afternoon sitter with one phone call. When I got home at 5, Carsyn was just awaking and all in one piece. Then she proceeded to cry for 2 hours straight until Danny got home at 7. I decided I didn't want to cook so I called Danny and told him to pick up something- there went the first planned dinner! The night flew by from this point until it was time to go to bed. Carsyn usually begins to wind down around 10-11. I will try to up this time as soon as I can. So Danny was back on duty. I had only been with her for maybe 3-4 hrs the entire day and half of that she was crying!

As my earlier post informed, Carsyn came down with a cold on Friday evening. It is better but she still is getting snot sucked out of her nose. And one of the nannies is still sick very much. So my mother-in-law offered to come down on Tuesday and help. This change in plans through me for a spin, but I regrouped and gladly accepted the assistance. At first I felt like we had already failed before we even began but then I realized it was just some minor changes and we hadn't failed.

So Tuesday morning, Carsyn decided she didn't want to go back to sleep after her 5AM bottle so I took her with me to the shower/bath. She sat in her bouncy seat "talking" to me while I bathed. Even though I knew she needed to be sleeping, I enjoyed the final moments of bonding minus crying. Danny awoke just in time to give her bottle. I could see that after 2 days his stamina was already dimenshing. Luckily, my mother in law arrived to save him and we knew Carsyn was in good hands. When I came home to check on her at lunch she was napping so I didn't get to visit with her at all. Then when I finally got home at 5:30 she was awake. YEAH! As soon as I picked her up she started crying. Eventually she stopped around 6ish and she talked and smiled at me for about an hour. Then Danny got home and she started the crying again. After a bottle we put her down for a little rest. Before I knew it it was time for her bath and then me to go to bed. Even though Carsyn is not supposed to sleep with us, she does for the time being until I can get her in her crib which has been delayed due to the cold. I know this is wrong and I know it affects all of our sleep, but I still do like it to some extent. I awoke when Danny brought her into bed sometime around 2ish and then I awoke like clockwork at 4 waiting for her to want to eat. She didn't get up?! I laid there looking at her sleeping on her Daddy's chest so content and thought I never get to see you. I don't knew when you ate last and I don't know where you have been sleeping. Daddy has gone from doing pretty much nothing much to doing the most difficult tasks. When she finally awoke at 4:30 I jumped up excited to get to do my job- I tried giving her the bottle, but her nose was so congested that she kept choking on it and spitting it back out. Danny awoke at the noise and said we should go pump her nose- I went to do it and he said he would do it because he does it better (this is true, but I was so upset at needing more assistance I got furious!). After she was relieved, I went to get another bottle.

Then came nervous breakdown #2- I just started crying thinking " I never get to see you, I never get to spend quality time with you, you and your Daddy have bonded so much and apparently any woman whether it is the grandmothers or the babysitters can do my job, why do you even need me?" I sat there crying from 5-6 just holding her and contemplating being a working mother. I know I need and really want to work but I can't help but feel guilty. Sometimes it is easier to just be a martyr and just do everything yourself and complain about it so people feel sorry for you then to receive the help and deal with the guilt and jealousy. Is there anyone else that understands this feeling? Are there any words of wisdom on handling working and motherhood and not being jealous of those helping you with your kid?

After I showered, I became a little more reasonable and calm. I began preparing her daily bottles( I do them all ahead of time) and thought well atleast I can do something for you even if you dont know that I am. I guess until she is old enough to choose me over someone else and tell me she loves me and thank me I will have to deal with the guilt and jealousy of someone else taking care of my baby and the lack of time that we have. I guess I will take advantage of the fact that my mother in law is here and prehaps spends some bonding time with my husband tomorrow night and go see a movie we have been waiting to see. I was always the one during the pregnancy that kept saying "We need to have date night- don't forget about "us" when she gets here!" Which is exactly what I did!

Atleast I made it 3 days before I shed some tears for returning to work~

The Joys of Motherhood

Of course since I have to return to work tomorrow, Carsyn has come down with a cold! It is miserable to watch your newborn suffer when no medicine can be administered! AND to make matters worse...my nanny and her son are sick too! Good thing I am prepared with a backup nanny who can fill in tomorrow. I think Carsyn's cold should go away on its own soon! I HATE WINTER!

Despite her stuffy nose she was in a pretty good mood this afternoon and we practiced rolling over! Trey was helping too!

Oh yeah I officially earned my MOMMYHOOD BADGE yesterday when I got peed on, pooped on, spit up on, and snotted on all in the same two minutes! It was a blast! I just laughed!

Maternity Leave is coming to an end

It seems like only yesterday that I left work anticipating Carsyn's arrival. I knew that the 8 weeks would fly by and they surely did. On Monday I return to the working world...while I will enjoy the adult interaction and more routine daily life it will be a bitter-sweet transition.

For the longest time we fretted as to what we would do regarding childcare as we didn't want to take her to a daycare. A good friend who is a stay-at-home mom of a one year old boy offered to keep her 3 days of the week. Danny was going to stay home one day and I would work from home one day. Well when reality set in, Danny decided he didn't want to be stuck in the house 8 hrs with Carsyn and I realized I might not always be able to stay home. So just this week we found a recent college graduate who was interested in coming to keep her the other 2 days during the week. Problem solved, right?!

I have always prided myself in being an independent businsess-savy woman. I know I would go insane as at stay-at-home mother and luckily my job is flexible enough that I can drop in to see her if I miss her during the day. I was actually feeling a bit relieved to get back to normalcy, or what will constitute normal now-a-days, but today I had my first of, I am sure, a few mini-breakdowns.

The new nanny, Courtney, came to the house for a test run and so I could show her where everything was in the house. She is a friend of a friend of a friend, so I am sure she comes with good references and is a trustworthy person. I spent a few hours this afternoon with her telling her Carsyn's preferences trying not to sound like an obsessive new mother. She seemed to be fine and I am sure she will do well once she learns Carsyn's behaviors, but here is where my BIG WORRY lies.

Carsyn's eating habits are still very erractic. The new formula seems to have helped with the gas and fussiness but she still never seems full or satisfied. She still eats almost 3-5 oz every 2 hrs and we have already started giving her cereal in the bottle ( I know another no-no, right?!) and she still does not get full. Also she chokes on her bottle (the ones with no cereal) because she sucks it soooo vigirously! I have switched the nipples but she still sometimes chokes. She eats the cereal bottles fine. This is very worrisome to me.. And today when Courtney was feeding Carsyn did it and panic set in. When Courtney left soon after, I laid Carsyn in her crib and started crying looking down at her. To make matters worse Carsyn just looked back up at me smiling away as if to say "Don't worry Mommy I will be okay." Hopefully we will all adjust to our new schedules eventually but it will be a long worrisome hard road. Especially with sleep-deprivation making the situation more intense.

6 week portraits

I have a photography business on the side but I do not yet have my studio lights so I had to go get assistance elsewhere. I sure will be glad when I get them though- it will save us some money!

Here are my faves from today!

We have a Smile and a Coo!

Carsyn started really Smiling and Cooing this weekend! It is so much fun to have her interact with us! It sure makes you be able to tolerate the crying and fussiness when she smiles at you 30 min later!

New Mommy Must Haves

Since I have been a mommy for over 5 weeks now I can now give advice to new mommy- to- be right?! Well here is my lifesaving must have list of items that have helped me survive the first month!

#1 The Swing! This is the only way I can get a shower! It is THE BEST invention EVER!

#2 The Carseat! I use this as an alternative to the swing to have somwhere to set her while she sleeps or while I am doing something such as cooking dinner while she "talks" to me!

#3 The Snap and Go stroller- SOOOOO much easier than a travel system you just pop the car seat down in the holder and GO! We really enjoy this on our walks.

#4 Mylicon drops- A LIFESAVE for Gassy babies although she still gets some discomfort

#5 Bouncy Chair- Recent purchase that I hope will be an alternative to the car seat/swing as another place to set her and help her to sleep.

#6 Activity Play Mat/Gym- She loves to spend her morning play time looking at the objects on the playgym!

My child however does not like her bassinet AT ALL! I would recommend purchasing one that rocks or vibrates or something!

Outing with Carsyn

Well I thought I would share a rather humorous story about an outing I had with Carsyn for all the people who don't have children!

Since she was 11 days old Danny and I have ventured out with Carsyn for brief spurts to get out of the house. Usually we feed her a bottle and she sleeps through it until 2 hrs later when she is ready to eat again and we are back home.

Here lately she has become much more fussier than before. It is like she turned one month and became more difficult. I thougt the first days home were supposed to be the toughest but I guess it continues to get more challenging!

So on Sunday it was a beautiful day and I thought "Okay we are getting out of here for a while!"
The new Battlehouse hotel was having a bridal show and my magazine was present with a booth distributing our new bridal edition. I thought " This should be fun and it will be wideopen space to wheel her around and she can meet the co-workers that she hasn't met yet!"

So I get myself ready and then I go to get her ready and she spits up on me so I have to change again. So we leave 30 min late but that is okay (remember I was trying to stay on a 2 hr time limit because I hate feeding her away for home) and we arrive downtown. Now, at my house in West Mobile it was warm but down by the Mobile Bay it was QUITE chilier. I always bring her blanket with me usually under much scrutiny from Danny saying I am making her too warm, but NOT THIS TIME DID I HAVE HER BLANKET. Crap, a little twinge of mommy guilt. So I race into the Battlehouse to get warm and use the handicap ramp- new experience. I see the entrance to the bridal show so I wheel her over. Keep in mind that this hotel is from like the early 1900s and is very formal. I get to the entrance and I assumed the cost would be like $5 and I had only brought in $10. The lady says "Are you a bride?" and I think " Um hello I have a baby in a carriage and rings on my hand I don't think so" then she says " that will be $12!" Are you kidding me $12~~~ sorry I only have $10 I say, but I am with a vendor do they get free passes because if so I can call them to bring me one. No she says but we will take the $10. Gee thanks!

Well there is no ramp at this entrance so the lady has to help me carry the stroller up the steps into the room that is probably 16X20 and filled with like 100 women. Apparently at this bridal show the vendors are split into tee-tiny rooms all over the hotel! Great! Picture me wheeling the stroller through all of these hundreds of women sipping on champagne and taste-testing cake! Well I look for Mobile Bay Monthly booth- nope don't see it. I finally ask a patron" Oh they are on the 2nd floor" I carry the stroller back down the stairs (bymyself this time) and go the elevator- there is Floor 2 and Floor 2R-- I go to Floor 2, nope not here, I go to Floor 2R, nope not here. I ask another patron- " Oh they are on the first floor to the side off of a hallway." Great- I treck back down stairs. Now, Carsyn has begun to wake a little.

I finally find my work's booth and Lawren and my co-worker's wife Alexis run over to meet Carsyn. Of course I am blocking traffic with my big stroller. Lawren says "You didn't pay did you- I could have given you a pass!" Oh well! I am there about 7 minutes when Carsyn wakes up- I pick her up for Lawren to see and she begins softly crying. Uh Oh do I smell poop?! Crap, literally, I tell Lawren I am going to find the nearest restroom- I may be back and I may not.

I head to the Lobby- all Lobbies have restrooms in hotels right!? NO, not the BATTLEHOUSE! I ask an employee she looks to the 2nd floor and then says here let's go see if there is one in the bar! Now Carsyn is screaming! We go to the bar- guess what there is a bathroom but no changing table in a bar, of course! I pull out her handy-dandy changing pad and lay her on the vanity- knocking the pricey soaps and lotions out of the way. Of course, I had her dressed cute so I had to take off her pants then unbutton the onsie then pull the diaper off and THEN....no poop! My mom-poopdar was WRONG! So I think are you hungry again?! So I pull out an emergency bottle and give it to her. She begins eating, but not ferociously just kind of nonchalantely sucking holding onto the nipple. So I decide to giveup and head to the car and leave. $10 less and 5minutes of visiting later!

I was so traumatized that when my friend Penny asked me the next night if I wanted to go grab some dinner and take Carsyn out I was like NO NO NO NO NO! But we did and after receiving a bottle in the parking lot- Carsyn allowed me to enjoy a quick dinner and slept through it.