Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Nervous Breakdown #2 Learning to Roll with the Changes

So for any working mothers out there reading this your comments/advice would be greatly appreciated.

I knew this first week back to work would be a bitter-sweet transition. I had mentally prepared for it, or so I thought. I had planned how I would get dinner on the table, or so I thought. AND I had made the babysitting arrangements, or so I thought!

Monday I went off to work with no hitch- Danny got her to bed and got up with her for the 2AM feeding and I got up for the 4AM feeding and then she went back to sleep and I got ready for work at 6AM. I did feel slightly guilty for the sleep as this was the first 5-6 hrs of sleep I have had in two months! I got to give her a quick kiss goodbye as she was waking when I left. I was so proud of our teamwork and my husband's effort. It also was effort on my part for relinquishing control and allowing him to help me. I made it through the day and even didn't bother the afternoon sitter with one phone call. When I got home at 5, Carsyn was just awaking and all in one piece. Then she proceeded to cry for 2 hours straight until Danny got home at 7. I decided I didn't want to cook so I called Danny and told him to pick up something- there went the first planned dinner! The night flew by from this point until it was time to go to bed. Carsyn usually begins to wind down around 10-11. I will try to up this time as soon as I can. So Danny was back on duty. I had only been with her for maybe 3-4 hrs the entire day and half of that she was crying!

As my earlier post informed, Carsyn came down with a cold on Friday evening. It is better but she still is getting snot sucked out of her nose. And one of the nannies is still sick very much. So my mother-in-law offered to come down on Tuesday and help. This change in plans through me for a spin, but I regrouped and gladly accepted the assistance. At first I felt like we had already failed before we even began but then I realized it was just some minor changes and we hadn't failed.

So Tuesday morning, Carsyn decided she didn't want to go back to sleep after her 5AM bottle so I took her with me to the shower/bath. She sat in her bouncy seat "talking" to me while I bathed. Even though I knew she needed to be sleeping, I enjoyed the final moments of bonding minus crying. Danny awoke just in time to give her bottle. I could see that after 2 days his stamina was already dimenshing. Luckily, my mother in law arrived to save him and we knew Carsyn was in good hands. When I came home to check on her at lunch she was napping so I didn't get to visit with her at all. Then when I finally got home at 5:30 she was awake. YEAH! As soon as I picked her up she started crying. Eventually she stopped around 6ish and she talked and smiled at me for about an hour. Then Danny got home and she started the crying again. After a bottle we put her down for a little rest. Before I knew it it was time for her bath and then me to go to bed. Even though Carsyn is not supposed to sleep with us, she does for the time being until I can get her in her crib which has been delayed due to the cold. I know this is wrong and I know it affects all of our sleep, but I still do like it to some extent. I awoke when Danny brought her into bed sometime around 2ish and then I awoke like clockwork at 4 waiting for her to want to eat. She didn't get up?! I laid there looking at her sleeping on her Daddy's chest so content and thought I never get to see you. I don't knew when you ate last and I don't know where you have been sleeping. Daddy has gone from doing pretty much nothing much to doing the most difficult tasks. When she finally awoke at 4:30 I jumped up excited to get to do my job- I tried giving her the bottle, but her nose was so congested that she kept choking on it and spitting it back out. Danny awoke at the noise and said we should go pump her nose- I went to do it and he said he would do it because he does it better (this is true, but I was so upset at needing more assistance I got furious!). After she was relieved, I went to get another bottle.

Then came nervous breakdown #2- I just started crying thinking " I never get to see you, I never get to spend quality time with you, you and your Daddy have bonded so much and apparently any woman whether it is the grandmothers or the babysitters can do my job, why do you even need me?" I sat there crying from 5-6 just holding her and contemplating being a working mother. I know I need and really want to work but I can't help but feel guilty. Sometimes it is easier to just be a martyr and just do everything yourself and complain about it so people feel sorry for you then to receive the help and deal with the guilt and jealousy. Is there anyone else that understands this feeling? Are there any words of wisdom on handling working and motherhood and not being jealous of those helping you with your kid?

After I showered, I became a little more reasonable and calm. I began preparing her daily bottles( I do them all ahead of time) and thought well atleast I can do something for you even if you dont know that I am. I guess until she is old enough to choose me over someone else and tell me she loves me and thank me I will have to deal with the guilt and jealousy of someone else taking care of my baby and the lack of time that we have. I guess I will take advantage of the fact that my mother in law is here and prehaps spends some bonding time with my husband tomorrow night and go see a movie we have been waiting to see. I was always the one during the pregnancy that kept saying "We need to have date night- don't forget about "us" when she gets here!" Which is exactly what I did!

Atleast I made it 3 days before I shed some tears for returning to work~

1 comment:

keeley said...

It's ok. I promise. I have this mental breakdown at least once a week. Greyson spends at least 2 nights away from home a week and I always think that he is going to forget who I am. Especially when I bring him home from my mom's and all he wants to do is scream. It is VERY hard, but then at 3am when all he wants to do is smile at me, it makes it all worthwhile. He loves me and I know that he knows who I am. Don't worry Carsyn will always know that you are Mommy. It just takes some time to get a routine going. It's still a little early. Greyson just started sleeping through the night at 3 months. He goes to sleep at 7p-8p and gets up anywhere from 3a-5a. A tip: we give Greyson a bath right before bed. He loves to splash in the water and by the time it's time to get him out he can barely hold his eyes open. So he gets a bottle and goes to bed. But I do have to admit that he has slept in his crib since day 1. He hated his bassinet. Just work on your routine and accept help as it comes. It was very hard for me to let my mom keep Greyson so much but it definitely helped my sanity. Now I know that I need the help and I am willing to take it and I thank my mom every day. Even when she doesn't have him. And let Danny help, I'm sure he loves to. I was always worried that Greyson would love Aaron more, but he doesn't he loves us equal. Just breathe, relax, and take it easy. It will come with time. :)